None of the reasons for an affair excuse the betrayal. Everyone is responsible for their own actions—and that’s good news. That means that no cheater is “doomed” to cheat again just because they cheated in the past. Change is always possible! Infidelity may look different to different couples, but essentially, cheating constitutes romantic or sexual activity with another person that your partner doesn’t consent to. Because cheating can look different to different people, all couples should make sure early in their relationship that they’re on the same page regarding what “infidelity” is. Is it flirting? Emotional intimacy? Intercourse? Your mileage may vary (and so may your partner’s).
Similarly, folks who have been cheated on in one relationship are twice as likely to be cheated on in a future relationship, while folks who merely suspect infidelity in one relationship are 4 times as likely to expect infidelity in a future relationship. (In short, relationships are complicated!)
When your partner cheats, it’s typically because they’re missing something, and it’s not really about you. Your partner is just struggling to explain what they need. Some participants in affairs may even feel intimidated by their partner, with a fair number of cheaters statistically cheating with people who they find less attractive or desirable than their partners. [4] X Research source
Of course, feeling neglected by a partner is no excuse for cheating, and infidelity is always the fault of the cheating partner. The right thing to do when you’re dissatisfied in a relationship is to communicate with your significant other.
Getting drunk or “caught up in the moment” is, of course, no excuse for betraying your partner. While situational influences may make it easier to cheat, everyone is ultimately responsible for their own actions.
Of course, if a couple agrees to an open relationship, this doesn’t constitute cheating. Some repeat offenders may be sex addicts. But this isn’t an excuse for infidelity, either. If someone can’t keep themselves from cheating, it is their responsibility to seek help.
You can tell if an apology is sincere if the other person focuses on their behavior, rather than your response (i. e. , “I’m sorry I lied” rather than “I’m sorry you got upset that I lied”). [9] X Research source Someone who is sincerely remorseful will also not get defensive when they apologize. (For instance, if someone cheats because they feel neglected by their partner, an insincere apology might go something like, “I’m sorry I cheated, but you caused it. ”) Real remorse also includes attempts to repair the situation. Repair after infidelity might involve repeated checking in with the hurt partner after the fact (after all, an apology alone rarely makes up for a wrong) and actions to grow or move beyond the hurt, such as couples counseling.
The only thing that can repair dishonesty is lots (and lots and lots) of honesty, slowly over a period of time, to rebuild the trust that was broken. Even small lies (including lies by omission) after a major betrayal can sow further mistrust. If your partner is secretive about their phone or internet use, they could be hiding something. You can tell if your partner is hiding something on their phone if they are private about it, change their passwords, or text at odd times, like at night.
It isn’t essential that a cheater give up relationships with affair partners they knew before the affair, but it’s a very common and understandable request on the part of the hurt partner, one the unfaithful partner should attempt to accommodate if they are truly remorseful.
Even if someone does cheat multiple times, it’s never the fault of the wounded party for “letting it happen. ” But if your partner won’t stop cheating, it may be time to reevaluate your commitment to one another.
