In a now-deleted post published to Reddit’s r/AmITheA**hole forum, a parent under the anonymous username u/Possible_Salad_8744 shared her story to receive feedback from the “AITA” community.
The original poster (OP) began her story by explaining that her 26-year-old daughter had recently moved out of their home and into her first apartment while their son still lives at home.
Their daughter has been dating someone for a few months and OP said they haven’t gotten to meet him and don’t know much about their relationship. They found out about a potential significant other when her daughter sent a picture of herself. When OP asked who took the photo, she said a friend did.
The Redditor said that her daughter didn’t have any friends when she left home, but she was happy that her daughter met a friend.
OP said, “We eventually learned of her boyfriend, but we have noticed she is spending lots of time with him. When we invite her to hang out with us on the weekend, she always declines and says she has something planned with her new beau. When we chat on the phone, she is often with her boyfriend at home, or out and about and so on.”
“I understand this is her first relationship and surely she is very excited, but it hurts a bit that she suddenly has no time for us. Last time we spoke on the phone, I jokingly said after she declined our last invite, ‘You know you can still spend time with your old parents, right?’, but she took it much seriously than I intended,” she concluded.
According to OP’s comments before the user’s account was banned, she allegedly said she homeschooled her daughter and didn’t let her date until she was 20 years old.
Newsweek reached out to u/Possible_Salad_8744 for comment. We could not verify the details of this case.
Newsweek has published several similar articles including a son who refused to help his parents with his “very destructive” brother, a teen who threatened their parents for sabotaging their sister’s relationship and a spouse who changed their locks in order to keep their mother-in-law out.
Why parents want to control their adult children
Newsweek spoke with licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist Kaytee Gillis on why parents want to control their children and how to set healthy boundaries with them.
Gillis told Newsweek that parents can feel the need to be controlling due to feeling like they know what’s best for their children, a history of controlling their children or worried that their adult children won’t make healthy choices.
“Other times there are cultural or general aspects at play - many of my clients who are first-generation American struggle to differentiate from their parents who have different expectations of how they should live their lives,” Gillis said.
When setting boundaries with parents, it’s important to make sure they are firm, but you are gentle and assertive when stating them, she added.
“Don’t get into a conversation where you have to explain yourself, your actions, and the reasons behind them,” Gillis said. “It’s going to be difficult at first, but with time, it will get easier for you AND for them.”
Redditor reactions
“Just some thoughts: the fact that you didn’t allow her to date until 20 is ridiculous. It’s also ridiculous you believe that this is her first relationship. News flash: she got used to hiding things from you. Why don’t you leave her alone and work on whatever parts of how you treat her make her feel she has to do this. [You’re the a******],” u/evhanne exclaimed, receiving the top comment of over 22,000 upvotes.
U/photosbeersandteach wrote, “[You’re the a******], there is nothing wrong with wishing that you saw your daughter more often, but I just saw your comments that you home schooled her starting at age 12 and didn’t allow her to date until she was 20.”
“No wonder she is enjoying having friends and being in a relationship. You severely limited her ability to form relationships with people, it’s understandable she wants to keep some distance between you and a new relationship. She’s probably afraid you’ll try to control that too,” the commenter continued.
“[You’re the a******]. Your kid is 26. Let her breathe. She’s out on her own for the first time and finally getting to spread her wings. Respect her and give her some space. And don’t say passive aggressive things like ‘You know you can spend time with your old parents, right?’ That would piss me off too,” u/sarashortnfat commented.
U/alwaystimetosleep said, “[You’re the a******] She probably has reasons for not wanting to introduce him to you yet. And spying on her with the picture stuff is also super weird. [It] seems like she has a good reason to keep it for herself for now.”
