Published on Reddit’s r/AmITheA****** forum, a woman under the anonymous username u/Basic_capybara_4280 shared her story to receive feedback from the “AITA” community.
The original poster (OP) began her story by explaining that she was baking her daughter’s 16th birthday cake when her daughter walked into the kitchen and urged her mother that she needed to talk to her.
OP wrote, “She said: Mom, I have to be honest with you [She spoken a little speech here about how much she loves me and how she cant keep this secret anymore] … So, I’m that I can finally tell you that, I like girls, I’m a lesbian.”
“I immediately responded with: I know. She was shocked, and shouted: You knew? How? I said: Honey, you have gay written all over your face. Honestly, I wasn’t even expecting you to come out, just to come home one day to introduce your girlfriend to us,” she continued their conversation.
She told her daughter some “key moments” that gave away she was a lesbian and she asked if her father knows, to which OP said yes.
OP admitted that her daughter was hurt. She wished that her parents told her that they knew about her sexuality to prevent her from having anxiety attacks about coming out. OP explained to her that nothing has changed between them and that she loves her and will “welcome any partner of hers.”
Her daughter began to cry and went to her room, later in the day leaving to go out with her friends. When she arrived back home, she went straight upstairs without saying anything to her mom.
When she left for school the next morning, she still didn’t talk to OP. She is worried that she sounded “cold” or was “too distant.”
In a recent edit to the post, she sat down to have a conversation with her daughter. She apologized for how she reacted and that she still loves her.
“We had a long talk, she opened up about her fears. She was trying to be not be so obviously queer because some kids at her school are awful against queer kids, knowing that she is very obviously gay spiked her fears. I apologized again, and I will talk to the school administrators as soon as I can, I need to protect my daughter,” she explained.
When hearing about her anxiety issues, OP decided it was best for her to see a psychologist, and her daughter agreed.
Newsweek reached out to u/Basic_capybara_4280 for comment.
Fear of coming out to family members, what to say to your child if they come out
Ellen Kahn, the Senior Director of Programs and Partnerships of the Human Rights Campaign, told Newsweek about the fears one may have when coming out to their family.
“There is a rational fear of rejection, [judgment], shaming, and other very negative reactions—this happens often and is the primary reason many young people do not come out to their family members—or may come out to only one or two carefully chosen family members who they feel are most likely to be supportive,” Kahn explained.
People fear that their parents will no longer love them, treat them differently or feel alienated emotionally or physically, she added.
How to react in a supportive way to your child coming out
“Parents are rarely prepared to hear their children say, Dad, Mom, I’m gay, or I’m bisexual, or I’m trans—whatever it may be,” Khan said. “Because of that, the best advice is to be very thoughtful about your immediate response—try to react calmly and with reassuring words.
“Keep in mind that it is a big deal to come out—we just mentioned how scary it can be, so it is best to acknowledge to your child that you are glad they trusted you enough to be honest. The most important words are: ‘Thank you for telling us, no matter what, we love you. We may have some questions once this sinks in, but we are here for you. What do you need from us right now,’” she continued.
Kahn suggested that parents show their support to a child by learning about the language and terminology, and staying informed and understanding their experience.
Parents should be open to a conversation with their child and shouldn’t show any negative feelings about their child coming out. If they are experiencing any worry, anger or other feelings, they should speak to their spouse or a professional.
Redditor reactions
U/YourMothersButtox wrote, receiving the top comment of over 18,000 likes, “The last thing I would’ve wanted was my mom saying ‘honey I know you’re a lesbian’ when I was a baby gay before I’ve had the chance to vocalize it, and while every kid is different, you absolutely were not wrong for NOT saying something sooner.”
“I don’t think you were the a****** in your response, you didn’t say ‘I know’ snidely, you were loving and accepting (as you should be!). She’s processing lots of things here, and that’s OK. [No a******* here],” they continued.
“[No a******* here’. This is one of those situations where everyone was trying their best. She may need some time just to process that she is now ‘out’ to her parents and there was no anxiety needed which will send her reeling,” u/knittingneedles321 commented.
“[Not the a******]. You were just being honest, maybe ‘you have gay written all over your face’ was a bit much, but I won’t dwell on it. However, in the moment, all your daughter needed to hear was that you love, accept and support her and maybe a ’thank you’ for sharing it with you.
“[Not the a******], you did fine. Good job mom,” u/Solrackai said.
