They’re also a huge source of parental anxiety–especially if moms and dads feel compelled to keep up with people as inventive as the Medvecs. Parties with a couple of kids from down the street are as extinct as T. Rex these days. “It’s not just running around the backyard and playing on your swing set,” says Brad Maxwell, publisher and owner of birthdaypartyideas.com, which gets 100,000 visitors each month. Celebrations have become so elaborate in the last few years that many parents think they have to take out a second mortgage to pay for the entertainment, decoration and, of course, a specially designed cake. Then there’s the stress over the guest list: who to invite, who to keep out. Here are a few tips for navigating this social minefield:
Keep it short and simple. Elaborate parties not only tax parents but also send kids the message that they can’t have fun without a spectacle. “Birthdays are only as big as adults make them,” says Bennett Leventhal, a child and adolescent psychiatrist at the University of Chicago. A huge fuss over preparations may also make kids expect too much–and then, even if the party delivers, parents believe they have to top it the following year. In fact, modest parties can be the most memorable. Anne Grubb of Glencoe, Ill., says her 7-year-old twins had more fun playing Twister at a home birthday party recently than at another celebration with a traveling animal show. Extravaganzas also make parents of guests think they have to spend more on presents, which can be tough on some families’ budgets.
Use the party as a chance to teach kids how to behave in social situations. Talk to children about other people’s feelings, particularly when it comes to the guest list. “The usual etiquette is you either invite the whole class or just your close friends,” says child psychiatrist Alvin Rosenfeld, coauthor of “The Over-Scheduled Child.” “It’s OK to invite a few of your closest friends. There’s no reason why every party has to be a mob scene.” Another alternative is to invite all the girls in a class or all the boys. Never leave out just one kid.
Write “drop off, pick up” on the invitation so parents know the party is for kids only. Let parents know if it’s a small party. Consider tucking a list of guests into invitations so that parents can tactfully avoid mentioning the party to people who aren’t coming. “I don’t think 2-year-olds are really able to comprehend the idea of this is a social event to which I have invited absolutely everyone in my nursery school,” says child psychiatrist Elizabeth Berger, author of “Raising Children with Character.” “But their parents might be sensitive to it.” After the event, get the birthday kids to help write personal thank-you notes. Form thank-you cards are better than nothing.
Be creative. Children are more likely to remember a party with a personal touch, and these can be easy on the budget. Pick a theme that has a special meaning for the birthday child, like a favorite movie or book. For a “Wizard of Oz” party for daughter Kallen’s 7th birthday last year, Raelynn Bierly of Columbus, Ga., dipped hot dogs and french fries into Emerald City-hued food coloring, donned an old bridesmaid dress for her own appearance as Glinda the Good Witch and had the nine party guests play Pin the Heart on the Tin Man. Her husband served as the gatekeeper of Oz, and a neighbor agreed to paint her face green for a Wicked Witch appearance in the backyard. For Kellen’s recent 8th birthday, Bierly switched to a Madeline party. She sprayed yellow paint on 50-cent straw hats, had party guests walk in two straight lines and concocted a treasure hunt with rhyming clues. Bierly’s goal is, she says, “to have fun and create memories.”
Plan active, not passive, celebrations. Rather than shelling out big bucks for children to just sit and watch an entertainer, consider activities that require participation, like an old-fashioned scavenger hunt. Leslie Farcy’s son, Ben, 10, still talks about how a friend’s parents handed guests screwdrivers and gave them free rein to dismantle old appliances, such as toasters and televisions. Ben proudly took home an old TV tube. Recently another mom put dye in spray bottles and sent the group of 10-year-old boys outside to make (and throw) colored snowballs, says Farcy. “The kids had an absolute blast in the middle of this blinding blizzard.”
Use common sense. Other parents will thank you for not hiring that fire-eating magician or spending $20 on goody bags. Don’t up the ante for everyone by hiring a clown if no one else in your community uses professional entertainers. Besides, “many children are terrified of clowns,” says Berger. “Costumed figures in general can be scary.” Certainly party traditions–such as balloons, a potential choking hazard if they pop–are not a good idea for younger kids. And many parents don’t want candy in goody bags. “You can’t please everyone,” says Berger. “In our world of diversity, you might be serving meat to youngsters who are strict vegetarians or observant religious youngsters who can’t eat off your plate.”
In the end, remember that it’s supposed to be fun. “Personalizing the party for your child will not only mean everything to them now but also years later,” says Annie Gilbar, coauthor of “The Penny Whistle Birthday Party Book.” Don’t order your child’s party. Create it together." So think like a child. Indiana University English professor Helen Sword, 39, and her childhood friends still talk about her 10-year-old “cat” party. The highlight was when the guests lapped up their ice cream with their tongues. Sword threw a cat party for her own daughter, Claire, now 9, complete with bowl licking. Even for sophisticated 21st-century kids, that kind of party is still a hit.
