Passive-aggressiveness is not something that happens once. It’s a pattern or theme in communication and behavior. For example, someone who is jealous of the job promotion of another person may congratulate them, and then continually make mistakes and comments that reflect poorly on the job performance of the other person.
Those who struggle to process their thoughts and/or feelings and communicate directly may exhibit passive-aggressive behavior.
This article discusses how to recognize passive-aggressiveness in yourself and others, what causes passive-aggressive behavior, and some examples. It also covers what you can do when someone is being passive-aggressive toward you.
Recognizing Passive-Aggressive Traits
A longstanding pattern of passive-aggressive behavior that negatively interferes frequently with work, home, or academic success can be diagnosed as passive-aggressive personality disorder.
A person with this personality disorder may show signs in the ways they behave and communicate. Passive-aggressive personality disorder is sometimes referred to as negativistic personality disorder.
Behavior
Passive-aggressive behavior traits are the actions, or inactions, that are taken out of negativism. This means when a person behaves passive-aggressively it stems from skeptical or negative thoughts.
Examples of passive-aggressive behavior traits include:
Being lateIntentionally not being efficientMisplacing or being careless with important thingsMissing appointments due to forgetfulnessProcrastination or leaving tasks and responsibilities to the last minuteRepeated mistakes or patterns of different mistakesStubborn behaviors
Communication
Passive-aggressive traits can present in communication, too. This type of communication is when there are underlying, negative thoughts or feelings but it seems passive on the surface.
Examples of passive-aggressive communication traits include:
Cooperative communication despite uncooperative behaviors (e. g. agreeing to something while doing the opposite of what was agreed)Denial of problemsDifficulty with expressing negative feelings and with confrontationMuttering to self instead of directly communicating to othersPositive facial expressions despite negative feelingsSarcasmVerbalizing concerns of being ignored or not appreciated
Passive-Aggressive Examples
Passive-aggressive behavior can be present in a variety of different situations and relationship interactions. This includes the workplace, romantic relationships, parenting, social settings, athletics, and the educational environment.
Examples of passive-aggressive behavior include:
Avoiding conversations that may involve expressing negative thoughts or feelingsIgnoring others or pretending not to hear themInsults that seem like compliments or neutral commentsNot following orders from superiorsProcrastinationProviding unwanted adviceResisting the opinions of othersSarcasmTalking about others behind their backsTardinessUsing excuses to make up for problematic behaviorWithdrawal from interactions with others
Contributing Factors to Passive-Aggressive Behavior
It is not entirely clear what causes passive-aggressive behavior. This is something that has not been researched as much as active-aggressive behavior.
Even so, some things have been identified as contributing factors. More specifically, passive-aggressive behavior is considered to be a way to self-protect against emotional challenges without the person being aware of it. For example, a person with low self-esteem may unknowingly deny their problems because facing them or thinking about them leads to stress and anxiety.
Potential contributors to passive-aggressive behavior include:
Abuse Childhood neglect Childhood trauma Emotional disturbances such as fear External conflict (e. g. a person feeling threatened by someone or something outside their control) Internal conflict (e. g. difficulty making a decision between right and wrong or resisting an urge) Low self-esteem Mental health challenges Negative thoughts, feelings, emotions, or attitude Parents or caregivers modeling passive-aggressive behaviors Stress Substance misuse
Coping Through Therapy
Passive-aggressive behavior is a challenge, but there are ways to cope. Psychotherapy, or talk therapy, is used as a way to help people overcome and cope with passive-aggressive behavior and the contributing factors. Interpersonal reconstructive therapy, which involves recognizing patterns and why they continue, is a type of talk therapy that is used.
Being Self-Aware
With passive-aggressive behavior, the negative thoughts, feelings, or emotions are unconscious. This means the person behaving passive-aggressively is not aware of it. Instead, it is an immature defense mechanism or unconscious process that protects the ego from fear, active aggression, and other responses to conflict.
This is why one of the goals of therapy for passive-aggressive behavior is to bring awareness to the patterns of negative thoughts, feelings, or attitudes contributing to unintentional behaviors. After developing awareness, the person exhibiting this behavior can work on consciously changing it.
If You’re On the Receiving End
Passive-aggressive behavior isn’t only a challenge for those experiencing it; it’s also difficult for those around them, including those on the receiving end. Since this pattern is unconscious, the person acting passive-aggressively is not aware of it, and it’s not intentional. It’s important to understand that the behavior is the result of a deeper issue that may not have anything to do with the person on the receiving end.
Summary
Passive-aggressive behavior is made up of unconscious actions and communication methods that are harmful. This type of behavior usually comes from negativity, but may seem accidental or neutral. These patterns can be behavioral, such as routinely being late, or they can be part of communication, such as sarcasm.
Make sure the situation is safe, and seek help if needed. Remember that it is not intentionally harmful behavior. Try to be compassionate and offer support. Invite an open conversation without pushing it. Accept that the behavior of others cannot be controlled.
Contributing factors of passive-aggressive behavior include a history of childhood neglect or trauma, low self-esteem, and stress. It’s possible to cope with passive-aggressive behavior with talk therapy to bring awareness to the patterns of behavior.
A Word From Verywell
Dealing with passive-aggressive behavior can be a challenge for the person behaving passive-aggressively, for the person at the receiving end of it, and for those around them. If you or someone you know is experiencing passive-aggressive behavior, it is not your fault, and help is available. Reach out to a health professional, such as a primary care practitioner or a psychologist, for support.
